So where were we? Oh yes, the bleeding. That sucked. After about another week of the ol’ spotting it stopped. Miraculously, it hasn’t come back. And I am grateful for every colorless day.
A week or so after that I started having contractions. Now I had heard about this Braxton Hicks business and they weren’t especially painful so I didn’t think much of it. I accepted my periodically rock hard abs (who wouldn’t, really?) for about a month before a conversation with a pregnant friend prompted me to time them.
I realized in doing so that they were a lot more frequent than I thought. In fact, they were regular. Every 10 – 20 minutes. Sometimes only 5 minutes would pass between contractions. I just didn’t notice a lot of them without touching my uterus. I emailed my doctor with a description of my symptoms and asked something like, “Is this normal?” She replied by saying:
“No. That is not normal. You should be freaking out.”
Okay, okay. Those were not her exact words. But that was the underlying tone. Wonderful. I followed her recommendation and freaked out about it for a little while. Mostly because placental abruptions can cause both contractions and pre-term labor. I had started to believe things were going to work out, and this served as a reminder that there might still be something wrong.
So, like I said, I freaked out about it for a little while. And then I made a very conscious decision to stop. I continue to have regular contractions and my cervix continues to remain closed. That’s all I can ask for. And that’s pretty much where things stand now.
Everything leading up to today leaves me with mixed emotions. I feel incredibly and genuinely grateful that I am pregnant and everything is okay right now. EVERYTHING IS OKAY. I recognize that my “complications” are nothing compared to what some women go through. And I’m grateful for that. There’s nothing that says I can’t have a healthy, full-term baby. I FEEL SO GRATEFUL FOR THAT.
But I would be lying if I said I’ve enjoyed being pregnant. My mom is one of those women that says, “I just loved being pregnant!” I most definitely am not. When I was running I felt so capable and in control of my body. Now I feel like my body has escaped me. Like here I am watching while it’s off doing its own thing. (Hmm…maybe this is what it will feel like to parent?)
And I feel awkward when people ask me things like, “Are you excited?!?!” or, “How are you feeling?” Dear GOD, people always ask this!
I always answer the best way I know how, “I feel alright. Can’t complain. Yeah…we’re excited.” Sometimes I have a hard time remembering to feel excited. But, really, I am. I really am.