It’s complicated (part II)

So where were we?  Oh yes, the bleeding.  That sucked.  After about another week of the ol’ spotting it stopped.  Miraculously, it hasn’t come back.  And I am grateful for every colorless day.

A week or so after that I started having contractions.  Now I had heard about this Braxton Hicks business and they weren’t especially painful so I didn’t think much of it.  I accepted my periodically rock hard abs (who wouldn’t, really?) for about a month before a conversation with a pregnant friend prompted me to time them.

I realized in doing so that they were a lot more frequent than I thought.  In fact, they were regular.  Every 10 – 20 minutes.  Sometimes only 5 minutes would pass between contractions.  I just didn’t notice a lot of them without touching my uterus.  I emailed my doctor with a description of my symptoms and asked something like, “Is this normal?”  She replied by saying:

“No.  That is not normal.  You should be freaking out.”

Okay, okay.  Those were not her exact words.  But that was the underlying tone.  Wonderful.  I followed her recommendation and freaked out about it for a little while.  Mostly because placental abruptions can cause both contractions and pre-term labor.  I had started to believe things were going to work out, and this served as a reminder that there might still be something wrong.

So, like I said, I freaked out about it for a little while.  And then I made a very conscious decision to stop.  I continue to have regular contractions and my cervix continues to remain closed.  That’s all I can ask for.  And that’s pretty much where things stand now.

Everything leading up to today leaves me with mixed emotions.  I feel incredibly and genuinely grateful that I am pregnant and everything is okay right now.  EVERYTHING IS OKAY.  I recognize that my “complications” are nothing compared to what some women go through.  And I’m grateful for that.  There’s nothing that says I can’t have a healthy, full-term baby.  I FEEL SO GRATEFUL FOR THAT.

But I would be lying if I said I’ve enjoyed being pregnant.  My mom is one of those women that says, “I just loved being pregnant!”  I most definitely am not.  When I was running I felt so capable and in control of my body.  Now I feel like my body has escaped me.  Like here I am watching while it’s off doing its own thing.  (Hmm…maybe this is what it will feel like to parent?)

And I feel awkward when people ask me things like, “Are you excited?!?!” or, “How are you feeling?”  Dear GOD, people always ask this!

I always answer the best way I know how, “I feel alright.  Can’t complain.  Yeah…we’re excited.”  Sometimes I have a hard time remembering to feel excited.  But, really, I am.  I really am.

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6 thoughts on “It’s complicated (part II)

  1. With both Will and Kalena I LOVED being pregnant. This time around? I totally get why people don’t love it.

    And yes, people always ask how you’re feeling! Except it’s, “How are you feeeeeeliiiing?” with all the extra vowels. As a bonus, pretty soon people will start telling you, “Any day now!” Like weeks and weeks before you’re actually due. That’s fun.

    • Thanks for your sympathy. That really does mean a lot. Things really do seem to be going okay now, and I honestly can’t complain. As long as the baby is healthy (which she appears to be) I will deal with whatever is thrown my way.

  2. I felt like I wanted to punch everyone that asked me how I was feeling.

    I’m SO happy to hear that everything is ok. I can’t imagine going through any of that, because I know how the smallest things freak me out during pregnancy, and each day can seem like a lifetime.

    I’m glad you’re doing well. Keep us posted on everything!

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