My flat earth

Some of you may have noticed I fell off the blog face of the earth…again.  In terms of both reading and writing.  So sorry, friends, for neglecting you.  Allow me to explain my whereabouts with somewhat vague honesty.

For the first week or two after Ruby was born I had what I would call a solid case of the baby blues.  But after those first couple weeks I started to feel better.  Not “cured” per say, but better.  As prescribed.

Ruby was no longer refusing to breastfeed.  I had managed to walk out my front door.  Sure there was a lot to figure out, but that’s what we were doing little by however little.  I felt cautiously optimistic that I would continue on the trajectory of “better.”

Then about three weeks ago I fell off the earth, into what I would call the baby blacks.  A place far darker than anything I’ve seen before. (Including being dumped by my first love for his pregnant ex-girlfriend and…MIDDLE SCHOOL.)

Of course I feel like I should be overcome by love, joy and gratitude. And, of course, I feel guilty that I do not.  That I feel, if anything, the opposite.

And so I will also apologize to those of you coming to the blog hoping to find an update on our youngest family member.  Instead you get to hear about ME, as I try and claw my way back up to the surface.

24 thoughts on “My flat earth

  1. It gets better, I promise!!! I had terrible, terrible depression after both kids. Long dark days that I try not to even think about any more. But it gets better. For me, it got better sort of slowly and took longer than I would have hoped, but I did eventually feel like myself again.
    Hugs to you, my dear! You are a great mom and you WILL get past these feelings.

    • Oh I’m sorry to hear that! I can see why you don’t want to think about it! But it makes me feel better to hear I’m not the only one. Especially since I totally admire your family.

  2. Oh Laura, I’m so sorry. I don’t know that anything I can say would help but I do know what it feels like to not be happy after your baby is born, and then to feel guilty about it. I was very resentful of Amelia after she was born because I JUST WANTED MY LIFE BACK! I hope that things start looking up really soon and there’s definitely no shame in what you’re going through! I’ve heard that MOPS groups are great for support and that depression pills can help until your feeling better. Keep writing because I love to read everything that’s going on, the good and the bad!

    • Thanks Kari, I can definitely relate to the feeling of wanting my life back. I’m going to a group therapy session on Monday through Kaiser. Hopefully that will help some. I don’t really want to take meds, but we’ll see how this goes. I’m not saying no yet.

      Thanks in general for reading and caring. It really does mean a lot. I’m sort of teary up as I write this. (Of course I pretty much tear up every other minute so maybe that doesn’t say a whole lot…)

  3. I am so so sorry that you feel this way! But please don’t feel guilty for your feelings, just work on getting better. It looks like you are trying your best with the therapy and everything, so it will get better. You just need time. I’m sorry I can’t be of any real help as I don’t have any experience to share like the ladies above, but I can offer all my support and good vibes.

  4. I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through this 😦 I have a history of depression myself and I can only imagine how tough it must be to manage it with a new baby. Take care of yourself!

  5. Oh Laura, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. Having a baby is hard and emotional even without PPD. I remember after Kalena was born feeling so relieved to go back to work because it meant I got to leave her home with Brian. And then I felt guilty for feeling relieved, it was not fun.

    Anyway, I hope the therapy session helps. And remember that there is no reason to struggle through without help whether that means regular therapy or medication or whatever. Definitely keep writing, because I want to know what’s going on! Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you!

    • Thanks Elsha! Although I feel like you probably have your hands pretty full right now. I wish I was the one offering help instead of the other way around.

      In any event I’m going to try and keep blogging… but I’m also not going to beat myself up if it doesn’t happen. So we’ll see how it goes.

  6. I went through something similar and what made it worse was the shame I felt for feeling the way I did. But it will get better and there is no shame in reaching out to your doctor for help. And do keep writing about how you feel, even if you don’t hit the publish button. Hugs to you.

    • Thanks for stumbling on my blog, and thanks for the support. What I didn’t mention in this post is that I did recently talk to my doctor about it. i’m going to try therapy (individual and group) and see how that goes.

      Sorry to hear you had to go through something like this. It’s definitely not fun. Hopefully it’s a thing of the past.

  7. I love you Laura. If I was closer I would watch Ruby so you could go to yoga or go for a run and get some much needed endorphin’s. Feel better, I’ll be thinking of you.

  8. Laura, so sorry to hear that you’re having such a hard time. Don’t forget how amazing you are! Send happy, healing, and loving thoughts your way!!

  9. I am sorry you are feeling this way! From what I have heard though, it is common so don’t feel bad about feeling bad. Do what you need to feel better 🙂

  10. Hi Sweetheart! So sorry to hear about your black hole and glad to hear your taking steps to feel better. Your friends and bloggers have give you such good advice.
    Sending lots of love and hugs, Mom

  11. Oh Laura, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Please know that you are not alone and that it will pass. Reaching out is such an important step. Having a baby is so incredibly difficult, it’s no wonder so many women feel this way. It gets easier and so much more fun. You’ll make it through. Let me know if you ever want to talk 🙂

    • Thanks so much. I remember reading posts of yours about PPD. Yuck! I can appreciate what you must have been feeling a little better now. So sorry! It seems like you’ve moved past it though and figured out this whole parenting thing (as much as it can be figured out anyway). I’ll look to you for inspiration.

  12. You don’t need to apologize for anything! I’m so sorry that you are going through all of this. I do know that a lot of new mothers experience PPD, so I hope that fact alone can bring you a little bit of comfort. I mean, pregnancy wreaks havoc on your hormones, and hormones play a big role in your emotions. You keep venting, and we’ll keep listening and supporting.

    • You are truly a remarkable person. I thought of you when I was writing this post… I would completely understand if it just pissed you off. But here you are being all nice and supportive. I’m impressed.

  13. I have been there and it is no fun. It can be a dark place. It got really bad with Leah and I did take meds starting around 7 months and was able to wean off around 14 months. They helped considerably, like I could breath again and I had no clue how bad it was until I felt better. Scary stuff. The guilt is tough and fuels the depression even more, it is so hard to not feel guilty but try to take it easy on yourself. You are doing a good job, you are a good Mom and a good person, there are just major adjustments going on in your life right now and it does get easier. Group therapy will be great! Just hearing someone else in real life talk about the same things you are going through is such a great feeling! Not that any of us with anyone else to feel this way, but the majority of new Moms do to some extent and no one talks about it! You are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you and your child will not be ruined by this. It is going to be alright.

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