I first noticed it on a run a few weeks ago. The feeling was subtle enough that I almost ignored it. I had felt it before but it had been awhile, and I wasn’t sure. It was just a flash, and then it was gone.
Achilles tendinitis? Good guess, but no. Happiness.
The truth is I’m feeling leaps and bounds better than I was just a few months ago. At some point I will attempt to write about April. DUN DUN DUN. For now let me just say it was scary awful awful.
Then scary awful awful melted into what I would call cloudy. I was no longer living in a constant state of panic, but my world was still rather dark. A dull melancholy seemed to hang over everything. I remember telling my therapist that I just wished I could have some carefree moments.
The clouds have since parted, but I’m now too distracted to notice the sun. I am distracted by design. I keep myself busy running errands and planning outings. I maintain a To-Do list with sub-tasks three layers deep. I have a schedule far too intricate for someone that doesn’t work. I don’t give myself any time to sit alone with my thoughts.
When I filled out the questionnaire at Ruby’s 4 month well-visit, I checked no for both of the depression questions. Was I unable to enjoy activities I usually found enjoyable in the last two weeks? No. Had I felt worthless in the last two weeks? No. It made me realize how far I’ve already come.
I know this is not the finish line. I still wouldn’t use the word happy to describe my mood, and I have a number of issues I’m still sorting through. But I’m doing okay. I’m doing so much better than scary awful awful.