The shades of depression

I first noticed it on a run a few weeks ago. The feeling was subtle enough that I almost ignored it. I had felt it before but it had been awhile, and I wasn’t sure. It was just a flash, and then it was gone.

Achilles tendinitis? Good guess, but no. Happiness.

The truth is I’m feeling leaps and bounds better than I was just a few months ago. At some point I will attempt to write about April. DUN DUN DUN. For now let me just say it was scary awful awful.

Then scary awful awful melted into what I would call cloudy. I was no longer living in a constant state of panic, but my world was still rather dark. A dull melancholy seemed to hang over everything. I remember telling my therapist that I just wished I could have some carefree moments.

The clouds have since parted, but I’m now too distracted to notice the sun. I am distracted by design. I keep myself busy running errands and planning outings.  I maintain a To-Do list with sub-tasks three layers deep. I have a schedule far too intricate for someone that doesn’t work. I don’t give myself any time to sit alone with my thoughts.

When I filled out the questionnaire at Ruby’s 4 month well-visit, I checked no for both of the depression questions. Was I unable to enjoy activities I usually found enjoyable in the last two weeks? No. Had I felt worthless in the last two weeks? No. It made me realize how far I’ve already come.

I know this is not the finish line. I still wouldn’t use the word happy to describe my mood, and I have a number of issues I’m still sorting through. But I’m doing okay. I’m doing so much better than scary awful awful.

20 thoughts on “The shades of depression

  1. Good for you, sweetie. I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you. I’ve dealt with depression, and it was hard enough just taking care of MYSELF. You have another little creature to take care of as well. Just can’t imagine…

    • Thanks Pam. I have to say, though, depression is depression no matter whether there’s a baby involved or not. So sorry you’ve had to go through it!

  2. I’m glad things are getting better! (We need to skype again soon!)

    Also, I assume you’re not planning on quitting nursing anytime soon, but be aware that there’s a BIG hormone crash that goes with that. Just FYI.

    • We definitely should Skype soon. And, yes, I’ve heard about that…not looking forward to it. I might have to breastfeed until Ruby is a teenager.

  3. I am so glad to hear the clouds are starting to part. You’ve been in my thoughts a lot lately. Keep on chugging.

  4. I was just reading the stats on post parting depression this morning… You are so not alone, in any of your feelings.
    It’s the toughest time at the beginning and those damn hormones mess with your head!!
    Exercise certainly helps me. Fresh air and sunshine (then I can’t see what a mess my house is!!)

  5. Just so you know, I think about you every day and I’m so happy to hear that you’re doing a little better. I’m still waiting for you to text me one day when you ARE bored or alone with your thoughts. 🙂
    Also, I’ll argue with Elsha and say I’ve never had any hormonal crash when quitting nursing. I think if you get to the point that you are DONE (kind of like with pregnancy) its very refreshing to be done nursing and have your body to yourself. That’s just my opinion though.

    • Oh Kari, you’re so sweet. I guarantee you will be hearing from me one of these days. So far I’ve just been packing my schedule with distractions. And I’ve suckered my mom into spending a lot of time out here. So I haven’t had to be alone too much, thankfully.

      I sure hope you’re right about the weaning. I could really do without another hormone crash!

  6. You are doing so much better. I am obviously no expert, but I kind of look at this like the last miles of the marathon. Just one foot in front of the other, and before you know it you got your medal. Hold on in there! 🙂

    • I have actually thought the exact same thing before: just put one foot in front of the other. Literally and metaphorically significant in my life right now.

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