Eh hmm. (Taps microphone) Anybody there?
Ruby says this a lot lately. “Somebody there?!” With an upward inflection on the “ere” part of there.
It’s silly (Ruby says this a lot too. Silly.) that I feel the need to address my absence every time I resume writing. I’m pretty sure this is considered bad writing. I’m supposed to just get to it. Oh well.
I’ve been thinking a lot about music lately. I started down a path to do something musical about a year ago actually. I bought a piano. I did a bunch of research on voice teachers and went as far as to email one.
But then I got sidetracked with returning to work. I cheaped out on the piano and, as a result, don’t enjoy playing it much. There was some back and forth with the voice teacher but she dropped the ball, and I decided not to throw it back at her.
So here we are a year later, and I think that’s okay. I think it’s good actually because now I’m in a different place musically. I still want to do something, but that something is different.
I’ve been watching a bunch of YouTube videos of my favorite female singer songwriters performing live. Why have I not done this before??? I’m struck with how connected they are with their music. THIS is what I love about art, about music. The unfiltered expression of emotion.
I, on the unfortunate other hand, have always been petrified of performing. I’ve somehow managed to categorize performances into two categories: absolute perfection or absolute failure. Which is ridiculous. And stifling.
Well friends, I’m now realizing some things.
Nothing is scarier. Of all the things in life at which I can fail, absolutely nothing is more terrifying than music because absolutely nothing is more absolutely ME. I am most vulnerable with music. And this fear of bearing my soul and being rejected is holding me back.
So this year I’m not looking for a voice teacher. I don’t want to wait until I’m “good enough” to do something. I want to focus less on perfection and more on authenticity and connection. This year I want to DO.
I want to write. And I’m slowly starting to do that. I fiddle with melodies as I go about my daily business. I write words. I’ve plunked out a few lines on the piano. They don’t all fit together just yet, but I have faith they will. Or rather, I’m holding out hope that my creativity will pick up all the pieces once I’ve set down the judgment.
I would really like to collaborate with someone or someones else. So I’ve been scanning Craigslist ads. But while I’m prepared to tackle my fear of performing, I’m not yet ready to confront my fear of rape. So I tend to not reply.
Either way, I have a goal. Somewhere. Somehow. Perform a song of my own.
Eh hmm. (Taps microphone). Anybody there? Here we go…