I’m singing on the internet. Take two.

Well, I’ve been shuffling around all day today with my tail between my legs, motivated to do exactly nothing. I’ve been telling myself I’m upset with my hair, which is kind of hilarious if you think about it. It was dyed the wrong color this morning and the left side is longer than the right. These things are true. Yet…

I don’t really care that much about my hair. MY HAIR IS FINE.

The truth is I’m trapped in a vulnerability paradox of sorts.

I’ve been charging down this incredibly terrifying path with my music (for background read this, this and this). Something I’ve been too scared to do for…oh, basically my whole life. As I’m sitting here writing this I’m pausing to ask myself, “Why now?” It’s sure as hell not because it’s less scary. My musical endeavors have consisted solely of singing in the car for about 10 years now, my only performances occurring when I forget I’m at a stoplight. If anything, it’s more scary. So why now? I guess because I’ve grown up enough to realize I can’t just cower in the corner my whole life. If I do that I will have regrets. I need to face this. It’s essential and necessary.

I like to tell people, “Oh, I’m forever trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.” I read blogs written by real writers who write about how passionate they are about writing. I’m married to a man who actually loves science. He’s an everyday reminder that some people become engineers because they are meant to be engineers, not because they took the path of least resistance. I actively envy people who have their own, special ONE THING. If only I had a ONE THING!!!

Except for I do.

I’m just too scared of it.

I’m too scared of it, but I’m acknowledging it. I’m doing something with music. I’m not sure where it will take me or even where I want it to take me. But I’m doing it. I’m telling my secrets, allowing myself to be vulnerable, inviting the possibility of rejection.

I’ve been working on a couple songs for the last month or so. Learning, practicing, recording. All the while anticipating the climax. The culminating moment when I would send it off into the world. Well, friends, I reached the pinnacle last night and let me tell you something about the view. Pretty boring.

I uploaded the song. I wrote a post. And guess what? No one’s listening. Well, technically, 5 people did. But I’m not sure that counts. I know what the problem is. Yes, I did all those “brave” things. But I intentionally stopped short. I didn’t share it on Facebook. I didn’t imbed the song in my post. I specifically chose not to do those things because I was afraid people would listen to it.

I want people to listen to it. But I don’t want people to listen to it. I need my vulnerability to be acknowledged… without having to actually be vulnerable. Make sense?

Thankfully I read this post on Sometimes it’s hard and decided I needed to try again.

Here, have a listen. (You will probably need to turn the volume up since I am still very much a beginner when it comes to recording.) And while I’m wearing my big girl pants I might as well go ahead and ask you to share it if you like it.

If you want to hear other stuff I will be keeping it over here on SoundCloud for the time being.

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21 thoughts on “I’m singing on the internet. Take two.

  1. Love it! Georgie loves it too. As soon as I started playing it she stopped playing and got really quiet then got really excited. She’s a tough critic, she hates my singing.

    • Ha! That’s awesome! Sometimes Ruby tells me to sing and sometimes she tells me to stop. So I really have no idea where she stands on the whole thing. Also – thanks!!!

  2. So beautiful. And I so fully know the feeling. Vulnerable and messy but without any chance of making a mistake or getting hurt. I wish. Xoxo

  3. Listening to you sing is SO nostalgic for me. I love this. I think I’ll listen to it every day with my eyes closed and remember the fun times in Denver 🙂

    • Better idea: how about you move to my neighborhood and then I can sing to you live! Or I can shut up… either way. And YOU can be my personal shopper. 😉

  4. I don’t even know what to say. What ever I say seems like it won’t do it justice. It’s so beautiful. I think if I heard you sing sing in person I might cry. Please take it as sincere. So awesome u are trying to find your “thing.” I think u found it.
    Teri ❤️

  5. This was great!! And even if I didn’t read your post about all of you reservations i would respond bc this was really impressive to me. So relaxing and easy!! Why are you an engineer again! LOL!

    Now that I know you got skills…I would like to make a request, maybe you a taking request (ha!). Norah Jones, pretty much anything.. “turn me on” is an old favorite!

    Well done lady, on a personal front I totally get the vulnerability thing…

    • Thanks Alison!! Why am I an engineer… Good question! Ha! I seem to recall that decision having to do with wanting to actually have a job. And I love that you made a request! That’s one of my favorite Norah Jones songs too. Wonder if there’s sheet music out there…

    • Thanks Laci!!! I was at a work conference about a month ago and we played this team building game where you had to say 3 true things and 1 false thing about yourself and everyone guessed which was the lie. So one of my true things was that I almost went to music school instead of engineering school. I was sort of shocked when people guessed that was the lie! I guess you just never know…

    • Oh thank you so much! This just made my day! 🙂 I am playing the piano too. I used Garageband to record. I’m still VERY much a novice at the whole recording thing… still trying to figure out the basics.

  6. OMG, what a wonderful voice!!! This is just phenomenal! And it’s been so great to hear Fiona Apple’s song- seems that only one other person I know knows Fiona Apple! Well done, Laura!

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