Well, I’ve been shuffling around all day today with my tail between my legs, motivated to do exactly nothing. I’ve been telling myself I’m upset with my hair, which is kind of hilarious if you think about it. It was dyed the wrong color this morning and the left side is longer than the right. These things are true. Yet…
I don’t really care that much about my hair. MY HAIR IS FINE.
The truth is I’m trapped in a vulnerability paradox of sorts.
I’ve been charging down this incredibly terrifying path with my music (for background read this, this and this). Something I’ve been too scared to do for…oh, basically my whole life. As I’m sitting here writing this I’m pausing to ask myself, “Why now?” It’s sure as hell not because it’s less scary. My musical endeavors have consisted solely of singing in the car for about 10 years now, my only performances occurring when I forget I’m at a stoplight. If anything, it’s more scary. So why now? I guess because I’ve grown up enough to realize I can’t just cower in the corner my whole life. If I do that I will have regrets. I need to face this. It’s essential and necessary.
I like to tell people, “Oh, I’m forever trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.” I read blogs written by real writers who write about how passionate they are about writing. I’m married to a man who actually loves science. He’s an everyday reminder that some people become engineers because they are meant to be engineers, not because they took the path of least resistance. I actively envy people who have their own, special ONE THING. If only I had a ONE THING!!!
Except for I do.
I’m just too scared of it.
I’m too scared of it, but I’m acknowledging it. I’m doing something with music. I’m not sure where it will take me or even where I want it to take me. But I’m doing it. I’m telling my secrets, allowing myself to be vulnerable, inviting the possibility of rejection.
I’ve been working on a couple songs for the last month or so. Learning, practicing, recording. All the while anticipating the climax. The culminating moment when I would send it off into the world. Well, friends, I reached the pinnacle last night and let me tell you something about the view. Pretty boring.
I uploaded the song. I wrote a post. And guess what? No one’s listening. Well, technically, 5 people did. But I’m not sure that counts. I know what the problem is. Yes, I did all those “brave” things. But I intentionally stopped short. I didn’t share it on Facebook. I didn’t imbed the song in my post. I specifically chose not to do those things because I was afraid people would listen to it.
I want people to listen to it. But I don’t want people to listen to it. I need my vulnerability to be acknowledged… without having to actually be vulnerable. Make sense?
Here, have a listen. (You will probably need to turn the volume up since I am still very much a beginner when it comes to recording.) And while I’m wearing my big girl pants I might as well go ahead and ask you to share it if you like it.
If you want to hear other stuff I will be keeping it over here on SoundCloud for the time being.