The anxiety of uncertainty

My anxiety has been sky high the last few days. It’s to do with my health.

I’ve been on antibiotics for 3 weeks now. There was a notable improvement within the first few days and basically no change after that. Except for I think my symptoms have been getting worse the last few days. I’ve been over analyzing the why to death. Like I’m 12 years old and that cute boy I’m crushing on said, “Hi”, but not enthusiastically enough.

Really, there could be a lot of reasons for it. But you know the one I’m latching onto, right? The antibiotics aren’t working. They stopped working. And then what? I’m limited to this particular antibiotic because it’s safe while breastfeeding. And Ollie will not take a bottle. Many hours of sweat and tears have been spent trying to get her to take one, but she just WILL. NOT. Believe me.

So, of course, this means my symptoms are going to get worse and worse until I end up in the hospital. What we will do about Ollie?? Maybe I’ll be released, but it will still take YEARS to resolve. I’ll be one of those people. (This is where my head goes.) And the whole time I won’t know when I’ll be okay. If I’ll be okay.

That’s the worst part. The not knowing. I hate it when plans change. Let’s say I’m expecting Jason home at 5:00, but something comes up and he doesn’t get home until 6:30. I don’t handle THAT well. So you can imagine the kind of wreck that I am when there’s no real plan at all.

I’m a ball of nerves right now. My anxiety is physical, most notably in my stomach. Exactly where I don’t need ANY EXTRA drama. I can’t focus. I feel like I’m letting Ruby down because I don’t really have the capacity to listen to her right now. I started crying on the way to breakfast this morning, and she got really quiet and serious and started tearing up a little. So now I also feel guilty that she has to deal with the scariness of mom’s emotions at the same time as she’s adjusting to a new baby and no more grandma living with us.

BLAAAH. This is probably one of those posts I shouldn’t post. Ah, fuck it.

20 thoughts on “The anxiety of uncertainty

  1. Oh God, it all sounds awful. I’m so sorry you’re going through that right now 😦

    Please keep us updated and I’ll keep you in my thoughts. It will work out. If you have to give Ollie the bottle, she will eventually take it. They always do once they’re hungry enough.

    • Thanks for your thoughts. It means a lot. I’ll keep blogging about it. Hopefully there will be something positive to report soon… PLEASE!!! Ha!

  2. This may or may not be helpful, but I’ll throw it out there anyway, because you and I seem to have a lot of the same “crazy in the head” issues.
    Antibiotics make me lose my shit. Like can’t get out of bed depression, or spinning into oblivion anxiety, or both. I have tried explaining my feelings to doctors, who tend to dismiss my concerns out of hand, because apparently antibiotics are the safest things in the world, blah blah blah. So now I actively avoid taking them.
    My opinion is that this post is the drugs talking. It’s chemical, not emotional. And certainly not rational. 🙂 Remind yourself of that. You WILL feel normal again, you just have to hang on.
    Also, not related. I totally saw and appreciate your comments on my blog! I just haven’t responded. I’m being such a slacker about that blog (because I’m spending so much time on my other one, and other reasons, but mostly that “time” excuse), but thank you for reading and commenting!! ❤

    • You’re right. About both my mental and physical health – I will feel normal again. Part of me understands that rationally… it’s just so hard to keep that perspective. But you’re right. I need to try and remind myself that this is temporary. And I’m with you on the antibiotics too. I have a note in to my doctor about how I’m not comfortable being on antibiotics this long. So we shall see…

      Also, no worries at all about responding to my comments! Seriously. Wasn’t I the one months late in reading them?

  3. Oh man. I am so sorry. The anxiety of some situations is worse than the actual situation, and your situation is already not favorable. Trust me, I get the baby not taking a bottle. My first two kids NEVER WOULD. Not if their life depended on it. Are wet nurses still available for hire?! I also totally understand the guilty feelings of ruining your first child. I still wish I could go back and have a re-do with Amelia. I was just not a good mom to her for the first year after baby #2. I’m sorry to say I don’t have any great advice for you, just letting you know that you’re not alone, and you’re not crazy. I’m glad you posted this. Don’t hide your feelings. You can always call or text me or fly Ruby out to stay a while. I promise I’m nicer now… I think?

    • I’m gonna have to disagree… I’m sure you were a great mom to Amelia after Addilyn was born. As for the other stuff- yes. Right now my anxiety is proving far more difficult to deal with than my physical symptoms… Oh why must I be so crazy??? Ha!

      • Trust me- my emetophobia has made me realize that just the anxiety of something can make you go insane! If only I could deal with the issue when it occurred, which isn’t often, but instead it’s in my every thought, all day every day. Anxiety is a funny thing, if only we could all just be normal 😉

        • Oh yeah, I can only imagine how hard that is with 3 little ones. I know Ruby is always getting sick. You must be thinking about the what ifs all the time. Maybe crazy’s just the new normal…

  4. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 😦 Hugs! I wish I lived closer. I would have taken Ruby for the day while you can have a bit of a break.
    I know it sounds like a cliche, but things will get better. Just give them some time. If we didn’t have lows we wouldn’t appreciate the peaks… Did I just wrote that? lol I sound like a priest. But seriously, your body has been through such tough challenges (marathons and running while pregnant!!! Hello?!?!? You’re my hero!!) and your mind helped your body to endure all this. So you ARE stronger than you think at this very moment. 🙂 In a couple of months (or less of course! lol) you’ll look back and realize that’s just been a small hurdle and life is good. 🙂
    Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help 🙂

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