Whole30 Week 2: Sugar, my love

The second week of Whole30 proved much better than the first. But it got worse first.

Specifically, my GI “symptoms”. They got worse on Day 6 and 7, after posting this. Reminder: I went off the antibiotics on Day 5. So, of course, I was FREAKING out. Jason not so subtlety encouraged me to call my therapist and make an appointment. And I wanted to. But I knew I would turn into a water faucet as soon as I heard her voice, and I just didn’t want to do that. (Note to self: the inability to make it through appointment setting is probably a good sign that one SHOULD set that appointment.)

But then Monday rolled around and things got a lot better. My symptoms have been much better this week. Not completely normal, but still much better. Really, this is because I went off the antibiotics and not because of the Whole30 diet.

That said, I am questioning how my diet affects my anxiety levels and overall mood. I’ve been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster over the last two weeks. The very extreme and intense anxiety of last weekend was followed by a few days of GREATNESS, and then a day of ANGER and then a couple days of just good (except for “just” doesn’t belong in front of “good” here). Hmm… Do we think diet has any kind of impact on hormones?

During the Days of Greatness I thought to myself, “Well shit. It will be very sad if my diet was responsible for this good mood.” Because of course it would have to do with sugar. My love. Oh my GOD, how I love sugar! In my ice cream and chocolate cake and donuts and cookies and and and… It would be so sad if I had to give that up. I mean, there’s no way it would be, say, legumes! Wouldn’t that be nice? Just order my Chipotle burrito bowl, hold the beans, and life is peachy. So when the anger came I also sort of thought, “Phew! At least I can still eat dessert!” You know, like a month from now.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I am discovering new food during this Whole30. Like the secret to curry perfection: coconut cream! This sounds fancy but all it really means is scrape the cream off the top of a can of coconut milk you stuck in the fridge.

AND THEN… Get ready for this folks! Mix the remaining coconut water with the juice of one grapefruit and drink that after your long run. It tastes AMAZING and WAY better than any commercial coconut water. (I’m sure because the cream doesn’t separate perfectly so there’s still a little fat in the water.) I believe this will be my new go to.

My long run is up to 4 miles folks. Wildly impressive, I know. Supposedly I am going to run at 12K at ALTITUDE in 3 weeks. Or so says my registration sheet. And my Race Pit page. Hahahaha! Yeah, we’ll see about that.

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Whole30 Week 1: Just having a little rough time

It’s the evening of Whole30 Day 5. Both kids are finally in bed, and I’m sitting down with a cup of tea, which is a lame substitute for a glass of wine, or a piece of cake, or a bowl of popcorn, or really anything. This week has been hard. And it’s not even over yet.

It’s been hard in both expected and unexpected ways. Cooking was an expected challenge. Friends, I bit off way more than I could chew. Not literally. (That is important to clarify since this is a post about food.) I plan to scale as way back as I can on the cooking front next week. There’s no way I can keep this up once Jason’s back at work.

Yes, Jason was on vacation this week. It was helpful to have an extra set of hands in midst of all the cooking, but it also sort of ruined the vacation. Jason unexpectedly agreed to do the Whole30 with me and it, also unexpectedly, hit him hard. He definitely went through the predicted “hangover” and “kill all the things” phases. I usually get to be the emotional, high-maintenance partner, so the first few days really threw me. I realized how much I rely on him to balance me out.

He’s also having a hard time liking the food… I’m spending crazy amounts of time cooking! He doesn’t want to eat the same thing everyday, but he’s also not a huge fan of leftovers. Eggs for breakfast are a horrendous idea. Fish is also bad. Fish as leftovers…

Me: I’ll just eat the leftover salmon for lunch.
Jason: (Makes face of disgust)
Me: What? Even I’m not allowed to eat leftover fish now?
Jason: No. I don’t want anyone to eat salmon. I don’t want salmon to exist right now.

You guys, I already have one toddler to feed.

I didn’t have the drastic reaction Jason did and sort of silently gloated the first couple days. I did feel very hungry. I’m convinced this was related to sugar withdrawal and not because I wasn’t eating enough. I increased my protein and fat consumption, but not by much and the never-ending hunger has subsided. I haven’t had any intense cravings either. Definitely more than a few passing thoughts, but that’s how I would describe them.

What I’m really struggling with at this point is anxiety. Some of my GI symptoms seem better, but others are noticeably worse. The rational part of my brain says this is because I changed my diet and I’m eating a lot more insoluble fiber. The much larger part of my brain is, well, freaking out. I took my last dose of antibiotics this morning, and I’m desperately hoping this will help. I’ve been clinging to the theory that I will feel normal once the bacteria in my gut can rebalance (off antibiotics). I don’t know what I’ll do if it gets worse. Probably lose my mind.

Sometimes when Ruby’s upset she’ll say, “I’m just having a little rough time.” I feel ya girl.

The anxiety of uncertainty

My anxiety has been sky high the last few days. It’s to do with my health.

I’ve been on antibiotics for 3 weeks now. There was a notable improvement within the first few days and basically no change after that. Except for I think my symptoms have been getting worse the last few days. I’ve been over analyzing the why to death. Like I’m 12 years old and that cute boy I’m crushing on said, “Hi”, but not enthusiastically enough.

Really, there could be a lot of reasons for it. But you know the one I’m latching onto, right? The antibiotics aren’t working. They stopped working. And then what? I’m limited to this particular antibiotic because it’s safe while breastfeeding. And Ollie will not take a bottle. Many hours of sweat and tears have been spent trying to get her to take one, but she just WILL. NOT. Believe me.

So, of course, this means my symptoms are going to get worse and worse until I end up in the hospital. What we will do about Ollie?? Maybe I’ll be released, but it will still take YEARS to resolve. I’ll be one of those people. (This is where my head goes.) And the whole time I won’t know when I’ll be okay. If I’ll be okay.

That’s the worst part. The not knowing. I hate it when plans change. Let’s say I’m expecting Jason home at 5:00, but something comes up and he doesn’t get home until 6:30. I don’t handle THAT well. So you can imagine the kind of wreck that I am when there’s no real plan at all.

I’m a ball of nerves right now. My anxiety is physical, most notably in my stomach. Exactly where I don’t need ANY EXTRA drama. I can’t focus. I feel like I’m letting Ruby down because I don’t really have the capacity to listen to her right now. I started crying on the way to breakfast this morning, and she got really quiet and serious and started tearing up a little. So now I also feel guilty that she has to deal with the scariness of mom’s emotions at the same time as she’s adjusting to a new baby and no more grandma living with us.

BLAAAH. This is probably one of those posts I shouldn’t post. Ah, fuck it.