Please keep right on lying about my weight

I’m feeling rather huge these days. Rationally I know my weight is within reason. But I’m not, let’s just say, feeling like I’m radiating the beauty of the miracle of life. I’m not embracing my curves. My brain understands this is part of the process. But in my heart, the place where it matters, I mostly just feel fat. I’m not supposed to feel that way, and I’m definitely not supposed to say that out loud. Yet there it is.

I had a doctor’s appointment the other day and her comments on my weight were as ambiguous as they typically are. It went something like this.

Doctor: So you’ve gained 90* lbs. That’s great! That’s really great! Your weight looks great!

(Stuff unrelated to my weight gain)

Doctor: You must be feeling really uncomfortable.

Me: Yes, I feel pretty huge.

Doctor: I can imagine. Well, that might just be what your body needs to support your pregnancy.

(Stuff unrelated to my weight gain)

Doctor: Well, hopefully you don’t gain anymore weight. (Awkward pause.) So you’re not too uncomfortable.

Me: Yes, well… that would be nice. Yet my weight gain seems to be following quite the linear trajectory**. You think it’s okay?

Doctor: Yes, yes. Your body knows what it needs… How’s your diet?

That is when I lied.

Me: Good.

I didn’t mention the cake and the cookies, the ice cream and Cadbury cream eggs, the potato chips or the caffeinated diet soda. After my appointment I picked up a Five Guys hamburger and fries. So while I feel fat, I am completely unmotivated to do anything about it. Apparently.

I keep telling myself I’ll clean up my eating after the baby is born. You know, because it will be so easy then. In the meantime, words cannot express how enthusiastically grateful I am for all the people telling me I’m carrying “out front” or that I’m “all belly”. Please, keep up these lies. You know I’m not above it.

*This is an exaggeration.

**Yes, I actually used the phrase linear trajectory. And still my doctor refuses to have a data based conversation with me about my due date.